Sunday, June 9, 2013

Thank You, My Daughter

It's nearly been two years since my daughter died. Looking back at the photos since 2011, I could say I've been through some rough spots. However it's because of those rough spots that made me come this far. 2 months from now, it'll be the birth/deathday of my dearest daughter, Nurfatihah Humairah bt. Muhammad Rahmat. Even though it (sometimes) kinda break my heart, but I have to say, it's because of her I've been striving hard to achieve some kind of 'trademark' for my cakes. It's not something that I had wished to achieve since I started baking, it just came suddenly (even desperately) when that bleak day came into my life. Baking started to become a kind of lifebuoy to me, something I could cling desperately onto when everything seemed grey and bleak. I found I could pour out my heart and soul when making a cake for somebody, especially if it was for a little girl. Maybe silently I had been wishing those cakes were for my own daughter. Maybe, just maybe, I had silently hope that one day, I might perhaps make a cake for my own little girl and not for somebody else's daughter. And maybe, just maybe, who knows that day might come...

For those who think I've been blessed with some kind of talent, I would say it wasn't quite like that. It didn't happen overnight. It happened because I've been through unimaginable pain, emotional and physical pain that had forced me to sit and carve and decorate a cake as smooth as could be, without any flaws (if it can be helped). I did it because achieving cakes as smooth as a piece of cake wrapped in fondant acted like a kind of therapy to me. And in a way it helped, with a strong support from my husband and son, and not to mention the remembrance in Allah swt.

There were times I felt that all seemed hopeless, especially if my body (to be exact, my ruptured uterus) didn't agree with me. I wasn't as able or as strong as I used to be. I couldn't stand on my feet for hours till end without feeling stabs of pain in the injured area. I couldn't tell others I was feeling 'unwell' and couldn't take any orders because of my 'health'. I felt frustrated that nobody understood what I was going through. Matters didn't help when time passed by and people quickly forgot I had a burst uterus that could burst again if I became pregnant. In the end, it all depended on me. Only I know my own capability and health. So I made plans, I took a week or two from taking orders. And, yes, it might have taken months, years possibly, for me to accept that I couldn't be as active as other bakers. And yes, maybe some might say I have no 'cita-cita' or desire to achieve more. For me, if it was God's will, all will come in time. For me, achieving what (little) I have today is no other than having gone through the roller coaster ride of emotional, physical and spiritual turbulence of  accepting that, indeed, nothing in this life is forever and a hard experience/life can either make you a strong person or a broken one, depending on your will.

I am proud of what I'm doing today, but not proud enough to admit it all came because of my 'talent'. I have no talent, I'm just a hobbyist (gone patisserie) who just come to love decorating cakes because it allows me to express my feelings. What I've achieved now is not something most people have gone through. I'm not proud of what I have, other people are more capable than me. I'm just doing what I love, and it happened because of the sadness I've been through. I love my daughter, it's because of her I find comfort in cake decorating. And now it's time a pave a new path, sow new seeds of hope and happiness, for a brighter future.

Thank you, my daughter. May Allah bless your soul and may you find happiness in Jannah.

Fullly fresh cream barbie doll cake, decorated with penuh perasaan

Fullly fresh cream barbie doll cake, decorated with penuh perasaan